Saturday, June 1, 2013

The Five Stages of House-buying

          •We have a nice-sized down payment; we're looking for a smaller house and yard—this will be a piece of cake.
          They want HOW MUCH per square foot?! Doesn't anyone in this stupid town know we're in a recession?
          •Our old house is WAY nicer than any of these houses.
          •Does no one in the modern world understand the actual function of a kitchen? IT DOES NOT BELONG IN THE LIVING ROOM!
          •It is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for the lot size to be smaller than the square footage of the house, and I refuse to look at houses with negative lot sizes.
          •I don't do bidding wars.

What do you MEAN my piles of gold coins will only purchase a GARDEN SHED in this market?

          •Okay, we can look in the suburbs.
          •Fine, the yard is microscopic. We'll just send the dogs out in shifts.
          •Sigh. I guess we'll just use the kitchen in the way all modern people do and eat out every night.
          •If it has a sensible kitchen designed by someone who actually cooks, plus a yard that's at least as large as a spare bedroom, I'll pay over the asking price.

          •Oh dear; we looked in the suburbs.
          •"Denver is great!" I told K. "There are lots of houses in nice neighborhoods in our price range." Why did I ever open my big mouth? What happened to all those houses?
          •When did my modest requirements for shelter, storage, and a blankety-blank wall oven turn into The Impossible Dream?
          •Maybe we should just buy a condo.

          •We will be in the suburbs. In a 70s-era ranch house. I will have a permanent rash from exposure to hideous architectural design.
          •We will pay too much.
          •We will have to tear out the kitchen and do a complete remodel.
          •The dogs will have a yard the size of a bed sheet.


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