Saturday, October 6, 2012

Zombie Apocalypse Handbag Redux

          So now my niece has me fretting about the zombie apocalypse. And how we should be prepared for it. By having large fabulous handbags. That are stuffed with random items certain to be useful in the zombie apocalypse.
          I believe I have the fabulous part well in hand. Also the assorted random items part. My handbags routinely exceed the Minimum Daily Allowance of random items. The thing is, how does one know which random items are the proper random items for a zombie apocalypse? Will—just perusing the current contents of my handbag—a tape measure be useful? Dog treats? Light bulbs? Ticket stubs? Lipstick? Hex wrenches?
          I was pondering this question recently as I packed for a trip, trying to get all the necessities from my Inevitably Your Plane Will be Delayed For a Minimum of Three Hours kit into my Apprentice Zombie Apocalypse Handbag (not nearly as large nor as random as M's, alas), while at the same time keeping the total weight to under 50 pounds. And then, as I was trying very hard not to work up to my usual frothing hatred for the TSA in general and each and every jack-booted agent of the TSA in particular, the light dawned, and I realized I knew exactly which items would be most useful in a zombie apocalypse.
           Look around you next time you're sitting in the waiting lounge in an airport. Observe your fellow-travelers. Notice the slack jaws? See the vacant stares, the shambling gaits? Hear the moaning? Note the odd bit of drooling, the annoying tendency to clump together in large mindless hordes?
           The zombie apocalypse is here, my friends. It is among us, insinuating itself into the very fabric of our lives, sucking our brains out even as it tells us to remove our shoes, our jackets, our scarves, and turn out all our pockets for good measure; even as it announces that our flight will be delayed for yet another hour. The zombie apocalypse is here, and I have my handbag packed.

Zombie Apocalypse Handbag, with Interminable
Knitting Project. Because come the zombie apocalypse,
you'll be wanting something to beguile the endless tedium.
Also, mints.

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