"What have you got in here, M?" I asked, struggling to lift it. "This bag weighs more than my car."
"Oh, you know—just my stuff."
Giving up my battle to hoist the bag off the ground, I sank to my knees and started fishing for the mints. I pulled out a makeup kit. A flat iron. A HUGE bottle of aspirin.
|This handbag contains a surprising variety of items.|
You may need all of them sooner than you think.
"Come the zombie apocalypse, you'll thank me," M said, without even looking up from her phone.
I reached back in. A mateless earring. A packet of Kleenex. Several bottles of nail polish. Scotch tape. A catnip mouse. I fished deeper. Assorted washers. A paintbrush. A towel.
I held it up. "You carry some random towel around with you?" I said.
"It's not random. It has large friendly polka dots on it. And come the zombie apocalypse, you'll be grateful I have that towel."
"Ooooo-kay," I said, pretending to humor her, and reached back into the bag, still searching for those elusive mints.
Another catnip mouse. A serving spoon. A dented brass doorknob.
A brace and bit.
"Do you even know what this is, M?" I demanded, waving the brace and bit around.
"It's one of those things like Gramps has. And I think that, come the zombie apocalypse, you'll be begging me for it." She still hadn't looked up from her phone.
I set it down next to the handbag. I supposed it was always possible that, when the zombie hordes were attacking the living and sucking their brains out through their noses, I would indeed have some extremely pressing holes to drill by hand, but it just didn't seem like the most likely of all scenarios. I sighed and fished back in what by now I was thinking of as the Zombie Apocalypse Handbag.
A thumb drive. A leaking tube of lip gloss. A mateless mitten. The U. S. Military Pocket Survival Guide: Plus Evasion and Recovery.
I waved the Pocket Survival Guide at M. "You're not thinking about joining up, are you?"
"I'm a high-school student, Aunt Nancy," she said in her explaining-the-spectacularly-obvious-to-the-shockingly-dimwitted voice. "It's worse than being in a war. The chapter on camouflage alone is worth the price of the book. Plus, come the zombie apocalypse, I think you will be wanting to borrow it."
I sighed and stuck my hand once again into the Zombie Apocalypse Handbag. Bingo! Finally, the mints I was looking for. I took one, and put the container back in the Zombie Apocalypse Handbag.
I'm sure I'll be grateful M has them, come the zombie apocalypse.